Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Photos, and a little catch up...

I just realised that I haven't posted on here since early June.  Crikey!  What have I been doing?!

Nicholas turned 11!  We celebrated with a family day, doing whatever he wanted to do.  Shortly before his birthday, he was given an amazing Canon digital SLR camera by a new friend who had recently bought herself a new camera and was no longer using this one.  Wow oh wow!  This woman, who we hardly knew, was so generous with this gift, expecting nothing in return.  Nicholas is thrilled and has been learning more about photography.  His Grandad would be so proud!



I continued to love to take photos of sunsets, 



and sunrises....





I absolutely love starting my day with a walk along the beach.  It really sets the tone for the rest of my day.  It helps me to feel so deeply peaceful in a way that nothing else does.  
I don't go there every day, but I deeply appreciate it whenever I do.

Back in early May, Nicholas and I started volunteering at an organic food co-op.  It was mostly fruit and veg and some grocery lines.  It was going to be something that we just did now and again, because some other homeschooled friends of ours were also going there.  Somehow it turned into us going there every single week, even when our friends stopped going.  I enjoyed being a part of what was being created.  I enjoyed helping other families to be able to buy affordable organic food.  I liked the people that we worked with.  I enjoyed dusting off some of my office skills and helping the co-op to get more organised. 

There were a lot of changes, and it started taking up more and more of my time.  My family was supportive, but I felt like I was starting to neglect them, and some of my own personal goals.  Some things happened that made me question what I was doing.  I thought of a friend of mine who had passed away recently, aged 44...a single mama of four children.  I thought about how we just never know how much time we have left, and just want to be so sure that I am doing the things that are the most important to me.  Going to the co-op started to feel like 'work', and some family matters came to a head that made me realise that I just needed to stop.  

It was such a good decision!  Although it's only been a few days since I told them that we wouldn't be back, I already feel so much lighter, and more productive in other areas.  My family seems happier to 'have me back' too.  


I love living near the beach!  In one of the touristy areas a little north of us, we found this vending machine that has thongs / flip-flops instead of candy bars and sodas!



AJ was letting his hair grow.  Since this photo, he has cut a little off.  He's still going to TAFE to do the Year 10 equivalent and seems pretty happy.



The amazing SWELL outdoor sculpture exhibition was on again along Currumbin Beach.  This was one of my favourites this year...



This one was pretty good too.. 




These huge deck chairs had us feeling like little kids.


And of course I thought of my Dad with 'The Clubhouse'...



We recently bought another old windsurfer board from the tip shop ($10!) and found an awesome kayak paddle that will unscrew so you can have the option to have a short single paddle and a longer paddle (also $10 at  an op shop / thrift store!).  We've been spending a lot of time out on the lake in front of our house.  I used to be pretty fussy and would only go out when it was sunny.  But, I pulled out my wetsuit and now go out anytime that it's not too windy.  Sami or Nicholas usually come with me.  Sometimes I stand up on the board, or kneel, or sit and kayak....


...or I just take it super easy and go with the flow...!





This year is flying by.  Sami is looking for full time work, and is doing some volunteer work in the meantime.  Cary is busy working on different projects.  Just coordinating everyone, homeschooling, and taking care of the home takes up a bit of time.  I've also been working on myself.  After some minor health issues,  I have seen a wonderful naturopath and have made a few changes that have helped me to feel more energetic.  I am remembering to say 'no thanks' to invitations when things are getting too much.  And I'm so glad that I remembered to do that when it came to the co-op situation.  I feel as though a space has opened up for something new to come to me, something that is more in alignment with my purpose.  

I Trust that it will come when the time is right.  

Right now, I am just enjoying every day as it unfolds.   


And, just because .... here's another beach pic!


Friday, June 03, 2016

Facing the fog

I'm not always sweetness and sparkles.  I don't think it's realistic to be optimistic 100% of the time.  I will say though, that my down days are much further apart than they used to be, and they are much shorter in duration.

I thought I was quite fine recently, but Cary sensed that I had an underlying unhappiness, in the way that some people can feel an earthquake coming.  Once he brought it to my attention, it was like it then gave me permission to stop pretending, and look at what was really going on behind the smile.

I tiptoed towards the edge of the fog and retreated.  Again, I went ahead....dare I brave putting a toe in there?  What might happen?  What would I discover that I didn't really want to face?  I retreated, but the fog bubbled and curled closer to me.

We continued the dance through sleepless nights and blurry days.  Keeping myself ridiculously busy so that I just didn't have time to explore the grey feeling.

But it kept growing, and getting louder.  Until a friend asked me "If you could have / do / be any three things just for you (not the family or the rest of the world), what would those three things be?"

What a great question!

Why was it so hard to answer it?

My first thought was that of travelling to tropical islands.  Snorkelling, lazing in the sunshine, feasting on fruit.

My second thought was that I just wanted to get on a big black motorcycle, and ride away.  Just me and the road.  Riding for days and days....

I don't have a motorcycle and I don't know how to ride one.  But that fantasy has been playing in my mind lately.  Speaking it aloud to my friend, I saw it as a sign that I am needing to regain my personal power, and a bit more time for myself.  Hmmm.

I could not come up with a third thing that I really wanted to have / do / be.  Again, a sign that I really need some reflection on what the heck I am doing with my life!

Stewing on all of that, I started to feel the fog pushing me, shaking me, grabbing me.  I fought back.  I swore.  A lot.  I wrote several pages on everything I disliked about my life right at that moment.  And then I cried.  Hard.  I didn't have any answers, but somehow it just helped to release it all.  Cary listened but didn't try to fix anything.

I had to go out and I got chatting to a couple of ladies that I knew, but I didn't know all that well.  The conversation quickly went beyond the fluff, to a deep and meaningful spiritual connection.  I have so much gratitude for these friends!  (For all of my friends actually.  Every single one along the way has been perfectly placed in my life.)

I was so humbled by the timing of that particular conversation.  It totally helped me to remember my real path, and I wouldn't have been able to do if I hadn't faced the fog earlier.

Somehow, I just feel that everything is going to be just fine!   I don't have an exact map of how it's going to be fine.  I am just back in touch with Trusting that it will be.  Of course I know that I don't just sit back and watch it happen.  I know that I need to do the leg work (and the mind work, etc).  I just feel at Peace that the right path will be shown to me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

photos

How did it get to be the 17th of May already?!!  Life has been cruising along, and I've forgotten to post photos on here.  Here's a little snippet of the past however many months...


Nicky and I


AJ at Muay Thai


Currumbin Beach...Ahhhh

Lucky and Lady (I don't know which is which, they swim on the lake out the front of our place and  often come together to visit us)

Just beautiful, Bilinga Beach pathway


Cary needed cataract surgery after using steroid cream for the eczema that started when he moved to Australia.  Not many people know that the cream can cause that side effect.  Of course I had to draw a funny eye on his patch.  And we made cupcakes for the doctor when he went to get his bandage off.  She and her staff thought they were great!

Sami and I joined a craft group and started learning some weaving.

Mama and babies...more of the local wildlife on our lake.

Bribie Island

Jayde and AJ at Dreamworld

Sami, Nicky, Geoff (my brother), me and AJ

Just because I cannot get enough ocean sunrise photos!

It's not always sunny here.  It's the subtropics, so we get lots of rain!  This is our front patio.

Over the hills, this is what the countryside looks like.  Which is why we love the coast!


Nicky Angel!

Tallebudgera Creek...a little crowded, but beautiful!

AJ, now 15 years old!



Friday, February 05, 2016

photos...

I will aim to post more photos this year!

Here are a few pics from December 2015...


Sami's 18th birthday dinner...



She likes to muck around by posing with my reading glasses!



Another beautiful sunrise...



Playing in our front yard...



Christmas morning walk along the beach...



Seagulls on our lake...



The boys having fun...



AJ being serious...



We don't have a bath in our house, but found two of these long planter pots for free on the side of the road.  Not a bad size for an outdoor bath...



Pelican on our lake...



Sami with Samson...a soft black cat that lives up the road, well, he is supposed to.  He spends a lot of time with us though and is obviously very comfortable here!



Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Learning to Relax...

Hello again!

Things that I've been doing....

Cary has been using the computer a lot in the past few months, so I stopped doing youtube videos, to free up the computer for him.  I had enjoyed doing those, but they did take up some time.

After returning home from the family reunion, I focused on upcoming events...Thanksgiving, Cary's birthday, Sami's 18th birthday (!!), family visiting, Christmas, New Years.  It was the least stressed I've been at that time of the year, for a long time.  I just wanted to enjoy each part of the process.  So I did!

Sami turning 18 was a big event!  We didn't have a big party, but some family came to visit.  It was more that fact that she was no longer a child.  Legally, she is an adult!  I wondered...have I done enough to prepare her for that step?  What could I have done differently?  I'm so excited for her and we had a lovely celebration.  She is not in any hurry to leave home and life is pretty much the same here.



Since the beginning of the year, I've been hibernating a bit.  Swimming, watching movies, playing games, reading, along with the usual housework and cooking.  It's been really nice!  I realised that I had been keeping myself so busy, and distracted.  As soon as I'd get up in the morning, I'd get dressed and go for a big walk or jump on the rebounder.  The day was busy, busy after that.  After Christmas, an annoying skin condition I've had, came back in full force.  It's mostly on my scalp and, after trying many different treatments, both internally and externally,  I'm at the point where I am seriously considering shaving my hair off as every single shampoo bothers me.  I've even tried baking soda, apple cider vinegar, salt, and not washing it at all.   Nothing seemed to have helped!  I've already chopped at least 5" off my hair, and before I shave it all off, I thought I'd try something else.   I started thinking that this condition may be caused partly by stress, even though I didn't feel "stressed" as much as I have in the past.  Just as an experiment,  I started doing less.  I started sleeping in, I stopped pushing myself to exercise though I still swim and walk and bounce and do yoga...it's just more gentle.  And only if I feel like it.  The condition seems to be calming down a little as I allow my body, mind and spirit to release hidden tension and become more peaceful.  I also say "no" much more often and I don't feel as though I 'have to' accept every invitation or request.

Another thing that I've done is to rethink social media and its role in my life.  The thing that I have found in myself, regarding social media, is how I lose myself in amongst it.  I start to judge myself, feel less than others, feel as though I'm not enough...not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough.  I get scrolling and I see how interesting other people's lives are.  I know that I have a great life and I am very blessed.   But too much time on social media has me doubting that and just spending way too much time living in a fantasy land.  So I took all social media distractions off of my phone, with the exception of Facebook messenger.  I only check Facebook every couple of days or so when I get on the main computer, and then it's just a quick scroll through.  I removed myself from most groups that I had been on, turned off notifications, and stopped following people and pages that just didn't inspire me in some way.  My newsfeed now is filled with posts from family and dear friends, inspiring meme's and some local homeschool information.  It feels more 'real' to me now.

With the easy availability of checking social media apps and playing games on my phone, (I justified the games in that they were "educational" because they were all about words or numbers or logic), I realised that I was just distracting myself.  Yeah, a little play time is good for everyone, but it I wasn't living as deeply as I wanted to.  I was losing connection with myself.  Removing those apps has been such a good thing!

Sometimes I sit and I reach for my phone to play on.  What a habit that had become!  There is a slight uncomfortable feeling as I figure out what else to do with myself.  Hmm, what did I used to do before phone play?  It wasn't that long ago.  This probably sounds like I had an addiction.  What I mean though, is that, in the little bits of free time that I was getting, the phone was usually my first option.

It's interesting that, by removing that option, I am feeling more productive, and like I have lots more free time!

As I was reading and searching, and trying to figure out my restlessness...that niggly feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something else...more...different.  I was getting a little frustrated that I couldn't quite "get it"....whatever "it" was / is.  Then I saw this...and it spoke to me:




So that's what I'm doing now... relaxing.  Being Patient.  Trusting that this is all unfolding as it should.  I feel the voice encouraging me to go deeper.  I'm listening..

Finding me...

I just found this post that I wrote three months ago, in my drafts...time to post it...

I've been a mama for almost 18 years.  I remember being a little girl, hugging my dolly and longing for the day that I would be a mother.  I didn't want to rush it though... I felt a bit restless as a teen and thought that I needed to experience more of life in order to find myself.  I was insecure, immature, and I didn't always like myself very much...so how could I every really like / love others?  I made mistakes.  So I moved around, kept busy, explored, but I kept going...if I was too still or quiet, then the real me would start to remind me of the things that I had done that I didn't like, that I couldn't change, so I just kept going and filling in the time.  Who I was at any moment, and my short-term plans were about as far as my thoughts would go.  Looking back was often just too sad, looking too deep within was tempting, but a little confronting.

I love being a parent...it's the absolute best, and the hardest thing I've ever done.  I adore my kids and have tried to provide a healthy balance of life for them.  It's also been a wonderful way to stay mostly in the moment, or considering our short-term plans.  I didn't have to think too much about who I really was.  I was a mama, and I was living my life around my kids, and that was my joy and my choice.

I went away a few days ago...by myself!  I left early on Sunday morning and I came back on Monday evening.  I flew to Sydney to go to a family reunion and I am so very glad that I did!  But I had thought about not going.  The thought of being by myself, with no extra people to be responsible for, was a little out of my comfort zone.  Or maybe more that it was out of my familiar zone.  I was nervous about going.  My extended family already knows that I'm a bit alternative, but would I feel like I belonged there?  Would extended family that I haven't seen for a while, accept me, and would I still feel like I was a valid part of the family?  I aim to not judge others for the way that they live their lives, and I hope that I attract the same energy.

Before the trip, I had worked myself into a little tizz...trying to get my family here organised, trying to get myself organised, concerned about how Nicholas, my little anxiety-prone son, would cope without me.  As it turned out, it wasn't easy for him, but he did manage.

In reconnecting with my family and friends, I felt my heart crack open.  Parts of the past that I had hidden, or judged, or tried to ignore.  Parts of me that want to be acknowledged and integrated into who I am now came to light.  I need to take some time to really find me again.  To find out how to feel whole with who I was and who I am and what I really, really want to give and receive from life and love.   Do I need to find Peace in what was, forgive myself, and surrender into what is now?

I feel that it's time I gave me some more time... there are parts of me that I need to look at.  I need to go deeper into certain feelings and explore who I really am.  Midlife crisis?  Hormonal changes?  Or just overdue?

Saturday, October 03, 2015

Judgement...

My kids and I went on a little road trip recently to visit family about 7 hours south of here.

The drive there seemed unusually long.  Partially because it was raining most of the way, and partially because my Learner-driver daughter was driving for several hours.  In the state that we were in, she is limited to travelling at 90km/hr when the speed for full licensed drivers is up to 110km/hr.

By the time that we arrived at our destination, I felt very tired and just kind of blah.  I was aware of a lot of judgment when I got there.  Not directed to me at first, but when the conversation is full of judgement about other people, then I know that there has also been judgement towards me and us.  I found that I was started to get defensive, and as a result, I also adopted some judgement.

It didn't feel good.

But I felt stuck there in that mindset.  On top of that, and having our entire rhythm messed up, it was also very cold and windy.  I have never liked the wind...it agitates me.  Same with the cold.  To have them both was like putting lemon juice in an open wound.  

I became very focused on the external and all of the things that I didn't like.  Then I internalised all of that to a judgy, mucky mess inside of my head.  I felt even worse.

Thankfully, I was also witnessing all of this.  The witness whispered "there is a lesson here".

I started to listen, and to look, and to feel what that lesson might be.

I started feeling that it was related to the judgement that I was feeling, but it was more than that.  I reached out and sent a message to a dear friend.  She read through the lines and gave me some tools to use.  She reminded me of my true essence, that of Love.

What she said opened the door for me to remember.  I remembered that sometimes, those that are trapped in fear, who judge others, have forgotten that they too, are Love.  If I would see them as Love, then I simply could not play into the mode of Judgement.  I remembered to stop squashing my Love.  I remembered to fill myself up from the inside out.  As I did that, and as I focused more on the internal process, the external wind and cold weather bothered me much less.

And with that, I was free to just enjoy every moment.



Thursday, August 20, 2015

New YouTube channel!!!

I did it!  I worked through the frustration and got the result that I wanted!  I moved my videos onto my new youtube channel.  Now I've got all of the fiddly business out of the way, I can get back to vlogging and video editing.   Yay me!

Da da da daaaaaa.....  click on the link below, and please subscribe to my channel if you like it!

https://www.youtube.com/c/AnnetteLove


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Madness!!! And Power!!!! And Vlogging!!!

I thought I'd take my blog to the next level and try vlogging.  Hahahaha!  I am going slightly bonkers!  

Am I the only one that goes around in circles with Google?  I was trying to set up a new channel which took me to setting up a Google plus account and somehow I managed to make several of those!  Trying to figure out which G+ account was the right one to link to the You Tube channel sent me around in circles again.  I felt like I was in one of those mazes that has too many dead ends and you feel like you'll never get out!  I think that 'Google Circles' is supposed to be like groups of friends or something.  But secretly, I think it refers to the madness of the way that it's set up!

I thought I had it all figured out.  I got my YT channel active but then I realised there's another YT channel in there somehow.  The other one is linked to my email address, and the one that I've been posting on is linked to this blog address.  I couldn't change the current YT url to something simple like 'AnnetteLove' to help people find it and it was stuck on YTQR3684PE9E or something equally impossible to remember.  Trying to change the url had me going around in circles again and I kept hitting the same dead end that told me that I couldn't change my url until I had 500 subscribers.

I joined a lovely little Facebook group for people growing an online business and a lovely lady there suggested that I delete the existing channel and start again.  I just started a new channel, and was automatically given a url with my name in it.  I don't know how that happened as I didn't even have any videos on it, or a single subscriber.  sigh.

After all of this, making the actually videos is the easy part!  I actually feel comfortable chatting away in front of the camera now.  I'm still very new at doing this.  Before I start the camera, I have a theme in mind and honestly, I don't always know what is going to come out.  I just get my mind out of the way, and let my heart lead.  I don't want to be one of those "rah rah...you have to live life exactly how I say...eat what I say...workout like me...rah rah" type.  I like to tell a little story, and inspire others by what has worked for me, with tools and tips that I have learned and used in 50 years of life experience.

It's been a huge area of growth for me as I get to see myself up close on camera.  Recently I was doing a video overlooking a beautiful...no, an absolutely magnificent area of the coast.  My words weren't flowing and I realised that my mind was too involved and I needed to get that out of the way.  Once I did, the topic of that day was totally different to what I had planned.  I thought that what I said was awesome, the background was amazing....but when I got to editing, all I could see was my wrinkles and my aged skin.  I got so down on myself, thinking that youtube is a young person's place, that I should just keep my old self hidden in the safety of blogland.

Then I saw this on Facebook, posted by one of my friends:  "Today, I embrace my body. Focusing on what I love about myself I create a confidence that permeates my aura. When I feel good about me, it gives you permission to feel good about you. And so, I practice this. When I look in the mirror I say thank you and put down the critical self harm. I say this affirmative prayer with gratitude. Amen."

And I realised that I had to get back in front of the camera.  It is a part of my message to talk to people about getting bolder (not just getting older!).  I will not hide my wrinkles or freckles!  I will present myself in my Power!  My message will attract the people that it is meant to.  My focus is to have fun, to talk about the kind of stuff that I talk about on here, but deeper, and exploring the shadows and the strengths and the corners and the cobwebs and the fucking craziness of this life! (I know that I rarely swear, but sometimes, it just feels right to do so!)  I want to talk about parenting, children, homeschooling, connection, love, health, relationships, truth, energy, Spirit, living simply and deeply and all that crunchy kind of stuff!

I'm slow getting into it because life happens you know?!  There's people to feed, and places to go and I'm not always in the mood to make a video.  My family will always be my priority.  I refuse to make a video every day for x amount of days, because that doesn't feel authentic to me.  I'll make one when I feel like I have something that I really want to say...and I have a fair bit to say lately!!  I totally understand why people do those challenges, but my focus isn't on creating a 'following', or making a ton of money from YT.  My focus is on sharing my story in the hope that it inspires or helps others.  Along the way, I learn more about myself.

Everything that I do has to come from my heart.  After years of people pleasing, and suppressing my Power and my voice, I have a lot to chat about, but I won't force it.

I have to reload the three current videos (I told you I was having a slow start, and besides, it's quality, not quantity from me...yeah, that's what I'll tell myself!) to my new channel, then I'll post the new channel link here.  This might take a while as it's sooooooo slooooowwww to upload videos here in Backwater 'Straya (that's Aussie-speak for Australia!).

I've been having fun learning lots of tips on video editing, setting up channel art and youtube thumbnails (picmonkey is totes amazeballs!)....'scuse the kid-speak, I've been learning from watching too many videos from 8-15 year old youtube superstars!  I'm enjoying the creativity of this whole experience, getting to know more about myself, going deeper and getting clearer on what my Truth is.  It really is totes amazeballs!

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

What do I want?

I feel like I am on the right path.  I feel grounded and more sure of myself...stronger and more determined.  However, I can't say for sure exactly where I'm going.  I just know that I'm getting to where I'm supposed to be, in the way that I'm supposed to.

Some people may find that statement very vague.  Others will totally get it.  It's okay either way, because I am feeling peaceful and grateful to be where I am right now.

I've not really been one for setting materialistic goals.  My goals have come from instrinsic motivation by the feelings that I want to achieve.   My priority has always been harmony, love, joy, balance and peace within myself.  Why would I ever want external 'things', if I didn't have the deeper things that give this life meaning?    

A house doesn't mean anything to me...it's the people and the connection they have within it.  I'm not impressed with fancy clothes or jewellery or cars or degrees.  That's just not my focus.

In the past, I've tried 'goal setting' in the usual way...listing the material things that I wanted in 1 year, 5, 10, etc.    I wasn't very good at it, as those 'things' didn't really mean anything to me.  

My focus is on the feelings.  The external has changed so many times, often as a reflection of what is happening within me.  Maybe that's why I can adapt to change so easily, because I'm not attached to the physical. ... "Move to the USA - sure, why not!... Move to Las Vegas - sounds like fun!....Move back to Australia...yeah!"

I have a strong feeling now that 'Something Wonderful is about to happen!'

I want to get clear on my feelings and the direction that I feel called to go.  So I was thinking "what do I want?".   To get clearer, I quickly wrote the first five feelings that came to me:

Love
Connection
Peace
Joy
Compassion


What are the most important ways for me to express these:

Family - my own, my extended family, my friends, all living beings on Earth (that last one kind of surprised me when it came out, but okay).

Interacting, Connecting with Love, Peace, Joy and Compassion.

I would like to help the world return to Love, away from fear and conflict.





How can I achieve those more deeply?  Again, the first few things that came to me:

By doing the things that maintain harmony within my body and mind (fitness, rest, nutrition, sunshine, friends and feeding my mind with inspiring reading, videos, conversation or contemplation every single day)

By focusing on Being the Change that I wish to see in the World.  There is SO much unrest, it would be easy to get into a conflict mindset.  But that does not feel authentic to me.  I need to maintain a place of peace.  We cannot fight for peace...we can only BE Peace to create Peace.  It seems huge and unlikely....maybe that's what Gandhi thought as well.  

By remembering to be Grateful for everything even the "not good" things that come my way.  It's all part of the journey and has a reason.  

By Trusting that I will continue to be guided to the right people and places and information.

By Watching my thoughts to ensure that they remain in alignment with my main focus, aiming to avoid judgement of myself and others.  

By Reminding myself of all of this!

This feels so good to me!  


Monday, July 27, 2015

EmPowered!

So, I'm 50 years old.

Somehow, in a very quiet, deep part of me, I allowed a little belief to take hold.

One that said that at this age, I was just a bit past being Powerful.

One that said I didn't need to be Sexy or Strong.

One that said that "hormones" were responsible for my low libido, low energy, headaches, weight gain, moods, etc...

No.  No more.

I didn't even know that those thoughts were there, until I started turning that around, and I felt the difference.  They had crept in, despite my desire that I could bypass them.

They can go and take a flying...leap.  I refuse to accept that.

Going to the gym consistently has been a big part of the turnaround.  Especially now that I'm really seeing results.  I don't work out as hard as I used to years ago, because my body, and my mind, are not what they used to be.   But as my body gets stronger, so does my mind.

Other things that have helped is having some awesome friends, my amazing family, getting back to reading something inspiring every day, being on social media less often, being a part of some wonderful community groups, and of course, my husband, who always encourages me to pursue and create what I most desire.

I'm feeling my Wild Woman rising!!

I'm feeling like I could do anything!

I love this quote below, it's one that has driven me for half of my life.  A few times I've forgotten it, but it always comes back to remind me.

What about you?  Are you feeling your magnificent strength and power?  Are you holding back from sharing your Light with the world?  You don't need to anymore.... give yourself permission to live without regrets!