It's not that my life is overly stressful, although being a parent 24/7, taking care of the kids and the home and with Cary away.... there is just an absence of calm.
I try...deep breathing...walks along the beach with the kids...living simply...but it just is there, underlying everything else. Waiting to rear its ugly head. Proving that I still have work to do. That life still grates me when I let it, when I don't remember to be the calm within the storm.
I love my life, I do. I feel grateful. But I just can't get on top of it at the moment, and I feel as though it's weighing me down. I get overwhelmed so easily, and there always seems to be too much to do.
....a week later...
With our small space, we have to be very efficient, but there was always a mess lately which just did my head in. I see now that I created a situation that had a sheer absence of calm. The stress wasn't always great, but it was constant.
I am grateful to have very forgiving children, and to have the awareness now of what was going on. I don't think it was all in my mind though. I think it was also my chemistry. I haven't been eating properly - I often skip meals, or suddenly realise that I am hungry and then eat something quick. After talking to my naturopath and some other people, I also realise that I have just not been having enough protein. I think I have a sugar addiction. My naturopath suggested that I go a couple of weeks on a high protein diet, pretty much eliminating carbs for that time. The idea freaked me out and I refused at first. I also realised that the coffee's I've been enjoying lately were actually making me more stressed and even quite cranky at times as it pushed me over the edge. So I went to the opposite extreme and had a couple of scotch's, and I totally mellowed.
I don't want to get back into a drinking habit, but I do need to change things here. I need to change my eating habits is a big part of it. When Cary gets back next week, Summer and I are going to join the Curves gym and start working out. Plus I'm just not doing as much extra stuff for a couple of weeks so that we can try and work on some things around here. We've been sorting through a lot of stuff from storage and trying to fit more of it in here for the kids and figuring out what to donate.
We've made so many changes to simplify our lives, but there is still the mental conditionings to overcome. God, why can't I just remember?! I cruise along, and then I hit a bunch of potholes and it throws me off. I am so sick of the cycle. I'm ready to do it differently.