Finding me...

I just found this post that I wrote three months ago, in my drafts...time to post it...

I've been a mama for almost 18 years.  I remember being a little girl, hugging my dolly and longing for the day that I would be a mother.  I didn't want to rush it though... I felt a bit restless as a teen and thought that I needed to experience more of life in order to find myself.  I was insecure, immature, and I didn't always like myself very much...so how could I every really like / love others?  I made mistakes.  So I moved around, kept busy, explored, but I kept going...if I was too still or quiet, then the real me would start to remind me of the things that I had done that I didn't like, that I couldn't change, so I just kept going and filling in the time.  Who I was at any moment, and my short-term plans were about as far as my thoughts would go.  Looking back was often just too sad, looking too deep within was tempting, but a little confronting.

I love being a parent...it's the absolute best, and the hardest thing I've ever done.  I adore my kids and have tried to provide a healthy balance of life for them.  It's also been a wonderful way to stay mostly in the moment, or considering our short-term plans.  I didn't have to think too much about who I really was.  I was a mama, and I was living my life around my kids, and that was my joy and my choice.

I went away a few days ago...by myself!  I left early on Sunday morning and I came back on Monday evening.  I flew to Sydney to go to a family reunion and I am so very glad that I did!  But I had thought about not going.  The thought of being by myself, with no extra people to be responsible for, was a little out of my comfort zone.  Or maybe more that it was out of my familiar zone.  I was nervous about going.  My extended family already knows that I'm a bit alternative, but would I feel like I belonged there?  Would extended family that I haven't seen for a while, accept me, and would I still feel like I was a valid part of the family?  I aim to not judge others for the way that they live their lives, and I hope that I attract the same energy.

Before the trip, I had worked myself into a little tizz...trying to get my family here organised, trying to get myself organised, concerned about how Nicholas, my little anxiety-prone son, would cope without me.  As it turned out, it wasn't easy for him, but he did manage.

In reconnecting with my family and friends, I felt my heart crack open.  Parts of the past that I had hidden, or judged, or tried to ignore.  Parts of me that want to be acknowledged and integrated into who I am now came to light.  I need to take some time to really find me again.  To find out how to feel whole with who I was and who I am and what I really, really want to give and receive from life and love.   Do I need to find Peace in what was, forgive myself, and surrender into what is now?

I feel that it's time I gave me some more time... there are parts of me that I need to look at.  I need to go deeper into certain feelings and explore who I really am.  Midlife crisis?  Hormonal changes?  Or just overdue?